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雪のような花のような

もう葉桜の季節になった。
若葉が美しく元気いっぱいに陽の光を浴びている。
何やらモヤモヤする。
この時期はアブナイ。

yumehana.JPG
自然そのものが目覚め始める。
その勢いに負けてしまうのだ。
オチたり。んだり。ったり。
毎朝歩いていても、いっこうに気が晴れない。
桜の花びらは皆散って、
遊歩道の芝生を淡雪のように覆っている。
あまりの美しさに立ち止まる。
じっと見ていると
花なのか雪なのからなくなってしまう。
目眩が起きそうになる。
これが、いっそ、でなくなら。
こうした気持にはなるまい、と思うと、
冬に戻りたくなってしまう。

冬には春を待つ期待がある。
しかし、春には、あれほど待ち焦がれた春なのに、
春になってしまうと、
とめどない焦燥が身を焼き、心を湿らせる。
要は、鬱陶しいのだ。

いつだってそうだった。
あれはいつ頃だったろうか、
中学生の頃からだろう。
何かが始まる事を恐れ、逃げもせず、
向かいにも行かず、立ちすくんでいる自分。
そんな自分に、自身が気付く。
どうする事もできない自身というものを
もてあましたまま生きてきたのだ。何十年も。
中学一年の冬の夜、父に家を出ると伝え、
ひとりできる事を決めた時。
中学生の頃、父の違うを東京に訪ね、
帰りの新幹線の暗いを見ながら、
結局ひとりなのだと思い知らされた時。
既に、雪のような、花のような未来をどこかに感じていたのかもしれない。
緑の芝生の陰影の上に降り注いだ
まだ精気をわせている薄紅色の花びらたち。

やがて、この花びらも、うす汚れ朽ちていく。
そして、このにいつの間にか吸い込まれていく。
その姿は誰も見る事がないだろう。
大きな枝に咲きっていた事など、まるでなかったかのように。
通りかかる人が見上げては、その見事さに嘆息をついた事も。
その枝の下で宴席があった事も。
風にひとひらひといながら散る花を、
ま新しい制服に身を包んだ小学生や女学生や、
正装の母親たちがそのに受け止めながら、
希望と不安を語っていた事も。
みんなれてしまうのだ。
みんな記憶という箱の中に仕舞い込んでしまうのだろう。

大学の附属小学校に受かった帰り道、母は、
「今日は、何が食べたい?何でもきなもん食べよな。
すき焼きがええか?それともテキにするか?」
(僕が子供の頃の日本では、牛肉はひどく高価だった。そして、
関西以西ではステーキと言わず、テキあるいはビフテキと言った)
僕は母を見上げ、僕よりもらしげ気な瞳を母に見た。
母の幸せは、それから6年ほどであったろう。
僕が私立の受験校に入った中学1年の
向こう岸に行ったのだから。

残酷なものだ。哀しいものだ。
花びらを幸せに肩に受けるによって、
その花びらの行方も、180度違うものとなるのだから。

僕にとって?
僕には、何もがない。
前者もあれば、後者もあった人生の中で、
何と答えていいのだろう。

花のような。雪のような。
れているような。き込まれるような。

そんな、ゆらゆらとくシーソーのように
地面に着かず、頂上へも上らず、
この雪のような花は、
僕を大きなの中へい込もうとする。

そうした苛立ちに自身を捨てたくなり、
ふと立ち止まれば踏切であった事もある。
ふと目覚めれば、
アルコールの臭いのする病室であった事もある。
いっそ、大量に涙が出てしまえば、カタはくのだが、
僕の心は、どうやってみても、
そこまでちて来ない。

遠い干潟のように、が満ちる事がない。

いつまでも、花のような、雪のような。
である。

この、「ような」季節を苦手としながら、
とても、生きにくい日々をずっとずっと遣り過している。

いのは、いつも自身である。

気付いてはいるのだが。

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היי האם אתם יודעים שמומלץ להזמין מאמנת כושר אישי, מאמן כושר אישי, מגיע/ה אליך 3 פעמים בחודש. מומלץ לפעילות גופנית, בונה לך תוכנית כושר אישית שמתאימה לך למטרה שלך

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Being around for several years of watching my father battle with the issue, I can tell you from the get go that hemorrhoids treatment, known as "hemorrhoids" is amongst the hardest conditions anyone might endure. I can still remember the sounds of suffering, as well as the inability to be a average person, and I also can recall the apprehension I had for my father, the moment he found out that the only possible way to get some hemorrhoids treatment, would be to have them surgically removed. I thought this was something he'd not even contemplate. Rather than that he tolerated every bit of the related suffering, right until he ended up being admitted to the hospital regarding something totally different, and was also scheduled for last minute hemorrhoids operation.

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